I root for the wrong characters. Take Archie Bunker, for example. I mostly agree with him, except for his borderline communist position on labor unions. Or consider Jack Nicholson, the excruciatingly obvious Designated Bad Guy (DBG) in "A Few Good Men." His speech on the witness stand in the final climactic scene leaves me misty:
"We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said 'thank you' and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand at post."
Joan Allen's speech to a Congressional committee in "The Contender," on the other hand, made me want to retch. I kept hoping the movie would turn into an assassination thriller in which the assassin gets away.
I think Ralph Furley from "Three's Company" should have thrown John Ritter out on his ear, and Tom Hanks' law firm in "Philadelphia" had every right to fire him even if they just thought he had the cooties. I would have cheered had Indiana Jones been strung up for stealing private property, and I thought Harrison Ford's character in "Mosquito Coast" got what he deserved at the end of the movie.
The Culture Makers do their best to direct us toward whom we should love and hate, but I keep getting it wrong. Despite Oliver Stone's efforts, I think Gordon Gekko was a great humanitarian. I was glad to see Thelma and Louise die fiery deaths. I would have cheered had an errant shell hit Hawkeye's tent in "M*A*S*H," and I believe Robert Duvall's character in "Apocalypse Now" has just the gung-ho attitude we need in our armed forces.
My admiration for the DBG extends to the real world. I wish they would name a firearm after Bernard Goetz. I think Leona Helmsley should have gone unmolested even if everything they said about her was true. I thought Rodney King got the ass-beating he deserved, and I believe that old lady who picked up returnable bottles to pay for her medical prescriptions wouldn't be in that position had she been as diligent about saving for her golden years.
I am congenitally incapable of liking the people the culture mavens say I should like, and all my life I've rooted for those they tell me to boo. I've read that we are inherently tribal, and perhaps my affinity for the DBG stems from the fact that in my heart of hearts I know I am a DBG too. Life and entertainment are filled with Us versus Them moments, and I am a Them.
Ernie Chambers, Designated Bad Guy. Because somebody has to do it.
